A Pet @ Home...

This is Aleena's pet hehe..

She's just showing her pet how beautiful the view is outside (",)

They've all been asking me for a pet at home, they want a cat..

I kept telling them,

"Later in Malaysia we can have a cat..."

I guess I'm gonna have to open my heart again for a cat in my life... 

To have them, is to love them..

It's been so long since I last really really loved a cat, more than 10 years I guess... 

I mean, now I still like cats, I do play with them, I still feed stray cats, but to get seriously involve, meaning to love them, is something I've stopped doing since.... long time ago....

Why???

This is my long story, for those who understand how it's like to really really love a pet, please read.. :)

Being a pet lover, I couldn't recall a day in my childhood years without a single pet around. 

 I've gone through the fun of having them around and also the pain and sadness when they were gone..

Some died, some just gone missing, but most of them were replaceable...

But, there was this time when I got myself involved in taking care of a little kittens left abandoned without a mother, there were three of them if I'm not mistaken, one of them had somehow grown up to be so close and special to me.. she had a very special place in my heart, I've named her Puteri Balqish!! hahah

She had been the one I hugged when I was sad, the one I took with me when I went to bed, the one who greeted me when I got home from anywhere!!!

I loved her soooo much, that when I recall now, it was the same feeling, the same kind of love I have for my children..

But then, one tragic day in 2001, it was morning, I was sooo busy dealing with a Calculus assignment, that I did not pay any attention to Balqish.. maybe I even forgot to feed her... 

So, when my assignment was finally done, I went to get ready for class, and when I got downstairs again, I saw Balqish on the table, she was all over my assignments maybe searching for something to eat, and I got soooo angry that I yelled at her to get down from the table at once. 

I remember the look of shock on her face... because.... I've never raised my voice at her.. 

But I did that day, because she was on my assignment....

Then I left home for a lecture I must attend..

I didn't even say goodbye to her..

When I reached home that evening, I saw her lying on the floor like she was taking a nap or something.. (oh my, while I'm writing this, I see it all again in my head, still so vivid...)

She didn't greet me like she usually does, so I thought she was asleep, and I ran to her excitedly...

But.....

 Ahhhhhhhh! 

She wasn't napping, her eyes were wide open, she was breathing fast and there were bubbles forming at the corner of her mouth!! 

She did't respond to anything I was saying, nor looked at me.. 

She was just staring into space.....

I started to panick, and went a lil bit hysterical, I couldn't believe what I saw, because somehow, I knew, I knew in my heart, i knew she was going to leave me...

Refused to accept that idea, I took her to the vet..

I was crying all the way, sobbing and shaking and I held her on my lap.. 

At one point, she went convulsive and I knew, I knew for sure she's not gonna make it.. 

She was dying...

I couldn't accept it, couldn't believe it, I hadn't even told her I was sorry....

I knew she's gone even before we've reached the vet, but I took her inside anyway hoping for a miracle...

But, she was gone, I still couldn't believe it, I remember staring at her still and lifeless body, overwhelmed with sadness, I cried and cried until there's no more tears left..

There's nothing the vet could do.. 

They only said that by looking at her symptoms, she had probably eaten a rat poison..

Yeah, I've had later found out that my father had inadvertantly left it outside that morning and forgot about it.. 

She must have then eaten it...

 Feeling all empty and lost, I took her lifeless body home, spent the entire evening staring at her body.. Wishing that this was all just a bad dream, that I would soon wake up and my Balqish was still alive!

But, it wasn't a dream...

 It was real... 

And it was hard to handle.. 

Hard to believe, hard to accept..

I couldn't focus on anything for a week or so, had a fever the whole week, a terrible headache and a constant dream bout balqish coming home, that she was still alive, still there for me to hold and hug..

I've missed her soooooo much..

But that was all so long ago, though it was just between me and a cat, losing her was like a huge blow in my life, that incident really taught me a lesson and was enough to make me a different person...

For instance, I have no more desire to have a pet, let alone create a bond with them, (that's in a negative way..)

And in a positive ways, whenever I started to get angry at my children for anything at all, my mind would always gone back to that morning when I was mad at Balqish, and then she' gone..

I'm so scared if something like that happens again, 

and because of that one incident, I've learned to make doa everyday, that if I were to lose someone I love, let me be ready for it, and strong to handle it...

We will lose someone we love someday, either we leave them or they leave us..

Either way, somebody will grieve...

So, if I were to let my kids have a pet at home, this will be as much important to me as it is to them, because I know, my kids will love it as much as I used to.

And I wanna share that love (",)

And I wanna be there for them, to comfort them and to understand how they feel when they've lost the pet they loved, and cry with them.. 

So that they know, that they are not alone, and that it's not wrong to Love, Lose and Love again...