Him, in memories...

Been thinking bout him a lot, been missing him, been thinking bout the times when I took care of him and that I hadn't done the best for him.. mom said, he too had been asking bout me a lot, he'd even asked mom to give me some money incase I had some sort of a financial problem living abroad.

Last Ramadhan, for unknown reason, I felt the strong urge and need to see him, that I made Doa;

"Ya Allah, izinkan kami untuk berjumpa lagi..."

Sometimes the feeling was so strong that it made me wonder;

'Is he going to leave me? Or that i'm the one who's going to leave him?'

Bout three weeks after Ramadhan's over, it was Saturday and we were at a friend's open house in Bonn, I was telling my friends bout him being bedridden for so long and that I've missed my family a lot and that my plan is to go back to Malaysia next year... Then we were having a good laughs and a great time there, and I had not even the slightest idea that at that very moment, he was bout to leave this earth...

If only I knew, I would have helped him going through it, I would recite Surah Yassin for him non stop until his last breath.... but I didn't know, I had no idea at all... that saddened me the most.. the thought of him going thru 'Sakaratul maut', and I was having a great time and a good laughs...

but there's no one to blame, mom said she'd only noticed something was wrong with him bout two hours before he breath his last breaths...

mom said the last time she'd seen him awake was at bout 12pm that Saturday, then when mom checked on him again, he was already asleep..

then he never woke up again...

mom tried to wake him up many times, as he had not yet taken his lunch, but to no avail.. at 9pm, mom noticed that his breathing became ragged, mom started reciting al-fatihah over and over again for him, then my sister (who's a doctor) arrived home from work at bout 11pm, and was shocked to find him in his condition and immediately checked on his lungs, and found out that one of his lungs had stopped functioning.. they called an ambulance immediately and when the paramedics arrived, they confirmed that my Father had passed away...

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un....

When I received the news, I was still at my friend's house, only those who were there knew how shocking this was to me and how heartbroken I was... it's not that I was not willing him to go, this is Allah's will, of course I'm redha, and of course I've accepted it with an open heart, but I was just really hoping and wishing that I could meet him again for the last time... I wish I could take care of him again, give him the best in everything even if it's only for a few days...

It was so unexpected, mom always said abah was getting stronger, and he could stand on his own unlike before when he always needed assistance..

Last Syawal, mom said he'd requested to be taken to the living room which was also unlike him, so he could watch all his grandchildren played. Usually, he'd just preferred to stay inside his room, on his bed..

I guess that was also one of the signs that he's going to leave all of us...

Nevertheless, I could still do the best for him, in fact even better...

Rasulullah SAW bersabda, “Bila seorang anak Adam
wafat, maka amalnya terputus kecuali tiga hal:

[1] Sedekah jariah,

[2] Ilmu yang bermanfaat dan

[3] Anak soleh yang mendoakan kepada orang tuanya.

(HR. Muslim, Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidzi, Nasa’i dan Ahmad)

InsyaAllah, I'll always pray for arwah abah for as long as I live...

Arwah abah had sacrificed so much for me, he had done so much in order for me to make it to the top.. and I've never repayed him enough..

I couldn't forget his last word to Fatini before we depart last year,

"Fatini balik nanti, tok wan dah tak de...." huhu..

That thought always bring tears to my eyes...

We flew back to Malaysia about a week after the shocking news, I knew even if we had gone back immediately after I received the news, I would still not be able to see jenazah, it's just too far.. InsyaAllah, i'll later write bout our journey and the most precious and wonderful moments we had in Malaysia with our family even if it's just for only two weeks..

"Ya Allah, tempatkanlah arwah abah bersama mereka yang beriman dan beramal soleh serta bertaqwa, Ya Allah cucuri lah rahmat Mu ke atas roh nya, ampuni lah segala dosa arwah abah sewaktu hayat nya ada di dunia..."

Semoga roh abah tenang di sana dan semoga bertemu abah lagi di akhirat kelak.... Amin...