And the Journey continues...

   Recalling the days when I suffered so much from persistent stomach pain, there were times when I thought I was going to die...

The existence of the tumor only made me feel like it could really be the end for me...

I started thinking of how my kids would cope without me. Would they be able to move on?

I started seeking forgiveness from people around me too...

Yes, that was my first priceless lesson:

To feel that death was near....

              ********************

The doctor came in that evening to explain the findings.

I on the other hand, was surprisingly calm... 

While waiting for the doctor to come, I could still laughed with the kids.

Grieving was no point to me... 

I needed to be strong..

"Seek help through patience and prayer... cartainly Allah is with those who are patient.." (Al-Baqarah: 153) 

The doctor showed us the picture of the tumor taken from the tiny camera attached to the colonoscope. She explained everything to us, of how huge the tumor was that she wasn't able to remove it using equipments attached to the colonoscope. 

She expressed her surprise on what she called an accidental findings. She didn't expect to find anything huge in my colon because my symptoms were mainly from the upper tummy. 

I guess, that's why Allah worsened my pain, so that I could have the courage to go through everything and eventually that silent tumor could be discovered. 

Yes, looking back, that was all Allah's plans for me...

After all, I did seek His help and guidance right?

He who never dissappoints nor failed His humble servants...

The doctor said, she had taken samples (biopsies) from the tumor and the results would be ready in a few days. That would determine if the tumor was actually a growth which meant cancerous or noncancerous.

That's why she had ordered a CT scan to be done to see if the tumor had perforated my large bowel.

She said, whether the tumor was cancerous or not, surgery was a must for me because the tumor was huge...

                         ********

Later that evening, hubby sent mom home, and returned to the ward after maghrib with lots of foods prepared by my mom... 

Oh mak... 

My eyes watered again...

Thank you Allah for my mother..

Just about midnight, the kids woke me up and said goodbye, I was too sleepy when they were about to leave but I remember hubby planted a kiss on my forehead...

I felt serene...

Thank you Allah for my hubby....

The next morning, I got up for Subuh prayer, and felt lonely all of a sudden...

I cried in the bathroom...

What if it's really a cancer???

                        ************

I was discharged from the hospital two days later and was due to see the doctor again in two days time regarding the result. The last night there, we were all crammed together in that tiny room and spent the night there together. It was great! :D

In that two days, before the result was ready, I realized something else... 

I realized that my fear for the result had entirely gone. I realized that, whatever the result might be, I would accept it with an open heart. 

I would accept whatever was fated for me.... 

Allah had already given me so much strength, He would certainly give me so much more.. 

I was convinced..

I cried almost everytime after solat. 

Fatini noticed it once and asked if I was upset about the tumor?

I said, I was not upset... 

I was too grateful for everything Allah has given me that I couldn't help crying.

He gave me sickness so that I became closer to him..

He made my worry and fear dissappear...

He gave me courage and strength when I really needed it...

I cried for that... 

Because Allah has always been there for me... 

Eventhough I hadn't always done the best for Allah... :'( 

"Seek help through patience and prayer, certainly Allah is with those who are patient..." (Al-Baqarah: 153)

I began holding on so strong to this ayat... it was my motivation whenever I felt weak, helpless and scared...

Very true indeed...

Allah is always with those who are patient....

                

         ************

A letter written by Fatini... 

She has always been the sensitive one :)

She put the letter next to me while I was asleep.. 

The next day, only when she was already in school, that I got the chance to read it.

Tears welled up in my eyes again when I read this line:

"Ya Allah berikanlah mak aku sihat.."

Ameen Fatini, ameen..... :')