It's been 3 years since we left Deutschland for good and I admit that all these while, my obsession of the life I once had there never quiet leave me.
It has always been in me that sometimes I forgot that there are far other better things in life that I should cherish.
If I were still in DE, and had to go through all these, I would definitely be more devastated because I wouldn't have my whole big family with me!
I just realized, how lucky I am to still have my mom, my husband and all family members regardless whether their just in laws or biologically related. Their support and comforting words always made me stronger.

Lesson number three:
Be grateful with what we have even when we are down with a huge test.

***********

The biopsy results was ready on wednesday, 16th of November 2016.
Together, me and hubby went to the hospital again to meet the doctor.
Like I mentioned before, I had not even felt the slightest fear nor worry...
I was fully prepared for any possibilities...
And.....
Alhamdulillah, the results turned out to be a huge relief....
The tumor was noncancerous however it was precancerous.
The doctor said, it should be removed as soon as possible. She referred me to the general surgeon there at the same hospital.
We met the surgeon, had a long discussion, and set the date for the surgery. About two weeks away..
Unfortunately, the surgeon was only capable of doing an open surgery while me and hubby had something else in mind. We wanted to go for laparoscopic surgery (can google that up if don't already know).
We planned to seek for a second opinion from our doctor in Pekan.
We headed back to our home in Pekan later that evening. The next important thing we all looked forward to:
Afeef's UPSR result was going to be out the next day...

Eventhough I was down with a low grade fever since the day I was discharged from the hospital, and felt a bit weak on the day when UPSR result was out, I still made it to school! I wanted to be there for Afeef, regardless of the result.
Hubby took some times off work too to join us :)

I told Afeef many times even before UPSR began, that whatever his UPSR result would be, he would always be a straight A's person to me :)

That was because of all the efforts he had put in, and most importantly, how he had spent time helping his friends who were weak in certain subjects.
His willingness to help others always touched my heart to the deepest :)
I learned from Afeef that 6As wasn't what we were after. There're far other better things to cherish in Afeef's first journey to a huge exam. If he gets 6As, it's a bonus, but what he had learnt along the way, was all that matter.

We gathered outside the school hall together with all other parents, and eventually, the result was ready.
Afeef got 3A3B!!
Alhamdulillah, so proud of him.
And so, we celebrated at a nearby restaurant. It was one of the greatest moment after being sick for a while.

I was down with a fever again that night, and I could not do much except lying down and watched my kids prepared their school uniforms themselves. They ironed and hanged their uniforms neatly, they folded their clothes and arranged them, and the next morning, when hubby was still at the mosque for Subuh prayer, they even prepared their own breakfast huhu....

How sad was I, but on the bright side, they did everything themselves!!
Isn't that great?

********

Friday morning the next day, I felt too weak to make it to the clinic, but I needed to consult the doctor regarding this surgery I'm gonna have. It mattered to hubby that we seek the best treatment that we could. As for me, I felt almost like giving up, I felt like I didn't want to seek anyone's opinion anymore, just let it be... if an open surgery was what I need, so be it...

Hubby took me to the clinic anyway, and how grateful I was for that...
One of the doctor's friend happened to be a colorectal surgeon, and guess what??
Not only that he's a colorectal surgeon, but also he'd done many laparoscopic surgery in the past, oh just what we had been looking for!!
I was so glad...
Our doctor in Pekan even gave the surgeon a call and informed him of our situation, and he even made a referral letter, it was great, it wouldn't have been that easy if it wasn't for Allah's help :')

We headed back to KL that evening, it was Friday,18th of November.
We planned to meet the surgeon on Wednesday the following week...

********
Wednesday came without me realizing it...
There we were, again just me and hubby at Darul Ehsan Medical Centre Shah Alam to meet the surgeon for the first time.
He was a quite convincing kind of a person, calm, and very positive. Everything he told us made me feel more relaxed and confident to go through this surgery.
So he set the date for the surgery, just about one week away...
Because the tumor was precancerous, so we shouldn't delay, that's what the doctor said...
It was perfect for me as it was set on the first week of the year end school holiday.
I felt relief, at least I didn't have to worry about the kids and school.

We headed back to our home in Pekan that evening, because of this surgery thing, I forgot to make sure the date for Award giving ceremony for Afeef and Fatini. Too bad... we missed it...
For the first time since my kids started schooling, this award thing didn't really matter anymore...

********

The remaining days before the surgery, I spent them making a lot of doa and solat hajat, I was nervous...
But I wasn't scared....

Looking back, how Allah had arranged everything so perfectly for me, masyaAllah....
I couldn't expressed enough gratitude to Allah for there are no words to describe how grateful I was...

"If you were to count the favors of Allah, you will never be able to count them; surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.."
(An-Nahl: 18)

"Seek help through patience and prayer. Certainly, Allah is with those who are patient..." (Al-Baqarah: 153)
:') :') :')

And the Journey continues...

   Recalling the days when I suffered so much from persistent stomach pain, there were times when I thought I was going to die...

The existence of the tumor only made me feel like it could really be the end for me...

I started thinking of how my kids would cope without me. Would they be able to move on?

I started seeking forgiveness from people around me too...

Yes, that was my first priceless lesson:

To feel that death was near....

              ********************

The doctor came in that evening to explain the findings.

I on the other hand, was surprisingly calm... 

While waiting for the doctor to come, I could still laughed with the kids.

Grieving was no point to me... 

I needed to be strong..

"Seek help through patience and prayer... cartainly Allah is with those who are patient.." (Al-Baqarah: 153) 

The doctor showed us the picture of the tumor taken from the tiny camera attached to the colonoscope. She explained everything to us, of how huge the tumor was that she wasn't able to remove it using equipments attached to the colonoscope. 

She expressed her surprise on what she called an accidental findings. She didn't expect to find anything huge in my colon because my symptoms were mainly from the upper tummy. 

I guess, that's why Allah worsened my pain, so that I could have the courage to go through everything and eventually that silent tumor could be discovered. 

Yes, looking back, that was all Allah's plans for me...

After all, I did seek His help and guidance right?

He who never dissappoints nor failed His humble servants...

The doctor said, she had taken samples (biopsies) from the tumor and the results would be ready in a few days. That would determine if the tumor was actually a growth which meant cancerous or noncancerous.

That's why she had ordered a CT scan to be done to see if the tumor had perforated my large bowel.

She said, whether the tumor was cancerous or not, surgery was a must for me because the tumor was huge...

                         ********

Later that evening, hubby sent mom home, and returned to the ward after maghrib with lots of foods prepared by my mom... 

Oh mak... 

My eyes watered again...

Thank you Allah for my mother..

Just about midnight, the kids woke me up and said goodbye, I was too sleepy when they were about to leave but I remember hubby planted a kiss on my forehead...

I felt serene...

Thank you Allah for my hubby....

The next morning, I got up for Subuh prayer, and felt lonely all of a sudden...

I cried in the bathroom...

What if it's really a cancer???

                        ************

I was discharged from the hospital two days later and was due to see the doctor again in two days time regarding the result. The last night there, we were all crammed together in that tiny room and spent the night there together. It was great! :D

In that two days, before the result was ready, I realized something else... 

I realized that my fear for the result had entirely gone. I realized that, whatever the result might be, I would accept it with an open heart. 

I would accept whatever was fated for me.... 

Allah had already given me so much strength, He would certainly give me so much more.. 

I was convinced..

I cried almost everytime after solat. 

Fatini noticed it once and asked if I was upset about the tumor?

I said, I was not upset... 

I was too grateful for everything Allah has given me that I couldn't help crying.

He gave me sickness so that I became closer to him..

He made my worry and fear dissappear...

He gave me courage and strength when I really needed it...

I cried for that... 

Because Allah has always been there for me... 

Eventhough I hadn't always done the best for Allah... :'( 

"Seek help through patience and prayer, certainly Allah is with those who are patient..." (Al-Baqarah: 153)

I began holding on so strong to this ayat... it was my motivation whenever I felt weak, helpless and scared...

Very true indeed...

Allah is always with those who are patient....

                

         ************

A letter written by Fatini... 

She has always been the sensitive one :)

She put the letter next to me while I was asleep.. 

The next day, only when she was already in school, that I got the chance to read it.

Tears welled up in my eyes again when I read this line:

"Ya Allah berikanlah mak aku sihat.."

Ameen Fatini, ameen..... :')

My Journey..

It's been 3 weeks since my surgery, well surgery definitely was not a pleasant experience for anyone, including me, I supposed....
But, I'm glad for the chance, for through it I've learned valuable lessons, priceless...

A few months before the surgery, I suffered so much from stomach pain that come and go and worsened as time passed by..
I was aware of the fact that if I were to see the doctor, then the doctor would definitely suggested an endoscopy... AGAIN???
I wrote about my 1st endoscopy done in Germany in one of my entry before...

Anyway, my nightmare came true...
I went to see a Gastroentologist at Ampang Puteri Specialist Hospital.
She suggested that I should undergo not only an endoscopy but also a colonoscopy...

WHAT!!!

I spent a lot of time reading about these two procedures afterwards that I think I became an expert :p
Yes, learning about the risks of colonoscopy, I became even more scared and sometimes the fear was too overwhelming that I cancelled my 1st appointment huhu..
That was somewhere in September.

I turned to Allah for help... I needed Allah to guide me if I really needed all these "unnecessary procedures" that's how I used to feel about it..
I never thought if there's anything serious going on inside me....

"Seek help through patience and prayer... certainly, Allah is with those who are patient.." (Al-Baqarah: 153)

How Allah helped....

The stomach pain worsened in November, until I couldn't take it...
The pain made me forget the fear I had for both endoscopy and colonoscopy...
I fear no more...
I asked hubby to make another appointment with the doctor, this time I wanted it to be as soon as possible..

I couldn't deny that the fear resurfaced again the night before the procedure.
I was admitted at Ampang Puteri Hospital and I started feeling scared again...
But whenever I feel scared, I remind myself:
"Seek help through patience and prayer..."
I pray and pray and pray....
I became strong again...

In the morning, I was so calm, so calm that I couldn't believe it... couldn't believe that it was me...
I was definitely not this calm back in Germany when I was about to undergo an endoscopy...

I made my last prayer (solat duha), and was about to make another solat hajat when suddenly the doctor and nurses came into my room...
It's time....

They asked me to change into a hospital gown. They then wheeled my bed with me on it to a special room with all the equipments... yeah, my heart was beating a bit fast, but I was not scared... just a little bit nervous...
I remember my last thought:
"Allah guided me here... He won't let anything bad to happen to me... I trust Allah..."
Then I was asleep...
I woke up briefly during a colonoscopy, felt so much pain that I shouted "sakit!!"  They made me sleep again.
It was just like in a dream...
Then everything was done...
I woke up briefly in an elevator, then in my room, and finally I woke up for real just before friday's prayer began. Yes it was friday, 11th of November. I remember texting my hubby letting him know that everything was done and he wrote that he would come to the hospital with my mom after friday's prayer.
Then one nurse came into my room, and she said, she would take me to a CT scan room after friday's prayer... still feeling dizzy from the anasthetic, I nodded but wondering "why on earth would I have to go through a CT scan??"
The doctor never mentioned anything about CT scan before..
Whatever....
I fell asleep again...
At about 3pm, the nurse came in again, took me to a CT scan room, this time with a wheel chair.
I was asked to sign a form maybe because of the red liquid they made me drink... errggghhh... 3 huge glasses of red liquid.. could be barium??
Inside the room, they scanned my body again and again... after about 20 minutes, one of the guys who's incharge of doing the scanning, came to me and said,
"We need to inject some liquid into your anus, so we can see your large bowel clearly..."
I asked: "Why do you need to do that???"
He said it's because the doctor asked him to, because of the Tumor....

WHAT...???

Did I hear him correctly???

I remember feeling like the entire world collapsed on me....
I was terrified all of a sudden..

He noticed the sudden change in me I guess that he quickly asked me to calm down, that the tumor might not be anything serious... the doctor would explain to me later...

Okaaayy....
Then, came in a woman nurse to inject whatever liquid into my anus....
Then another few rounds of scanning, with tears in my eyes....

On a wheel chair, I was brought upstairs again to my room....

"Seek help through patience and prayer... Allah is always with the patient.."

When I reached my room, mom was already there, reciting the Quran....
Mom was alone...
Hubby and the kids went downstairs for something to eat...
How relief I was to see her...
I instantly felt the urge to burst into tears infront of mom and hugged her and let her know how scared and terrified I was, that I had a tumor inside of me that could be a cancer!!
But instead, I smiled at mom and the courage and strength I felt at that moment, only Allah could give me...

I told my mom calmly about the tumor, and mom looked so shocked, but I told her not to panick, lets make doa, the doctor will come later to explain...
and I told her, I hadn't performed solat, so, I prayed.
While I pray, mom continued reciting the Quran and I could hear her crying.
I couldn't help noticing from the corner of my eyes, mom was wiping her tears using her head cover...
Tears welled up in my eyes again...
Oh mak....

"Seek help through patience and prayer....
Certainly Allah is with those who are patient...." (Al-Baqarah: 153)

:') :') :')

To be continued .....